Week 15 Update: I am worth it after all.

This week has been good. Very, very good. Not just because I've taken the time to have a cuppa and read a book in the afternoon, or because I have done yoga instead of the dishes. It's been very, very good because I've had a shift in the way I think.

Before, I felt - dare I say it?! - resentful of the things I had to do. Not all of the time (on the whole I really love being a stay at home mum!), but it has often been there, lurking in the back of my mind as I dipped my peeling hands into a sink full of hot, soapy water for the umpteenth time. I feel vaguely ashamed to admit that I wanted to blame someone or something else for the fact that I never got any 'me' time. But the fact is, I couldn't blame anyone but myself. I make my own decisions; I choose whether the housework or a lie down on the couch takes priority. Figuring this out felt like an epiphany!

This week I found myself pausing and asking myself a simple question: what would give you more life now - the dishes/washing/cleaning/etc or a rest/yoga/book/cuppa/etc. Then I did whatever felt right. Incredibly enough, sometimes I actually chose the 'chores', but I did so from a very conscious place, and that made all the difference. I'm not sure exactly how it happened, but the pressure of housework loosened dramatically and when I did get to the washing and all that, it seemed far more pleasurable than I thought possible!

Heading into this week of 'ME' felt a little selfish. Could I really put my needs ahead of the housework? (even typing that seems utterly ridiculous, but, hey, that's how we talk to ourselves!). I'm pleased to report that I am worth it after all.

Week 15: It's all about me, me, me.

This morning I had a pile of dirty dishes to wash, a basket full of nappies to fold, a study full of boxes to unpack, a couple of bathrooms in need of cleaning, toys to pick up and put away, food to cook ... (I could go on, but I'm sure you get the point). So, while my son napped, I made the obvious choice: I did yoga.

It was perfect.

This week is all about me. You know, we always have these competing voices in our minds. This morning, one of mine was whispering harshly: "do the housework ... you HAVE to", while the other, rather tentatively, piped up to let me know that what I really needed was some time for me. Usually, in fact nine times out of 10, I listen to that first voice. But I no longer like it's tone, it's high-and-mighty 'should-pushing'.

My baby just turned one. Hard to believe a year has somehow passed, and yet here we are. In the past year, my son has slept through a handful of times. So I'm tired. Really tired. And I know I'm not alone. You don't have to have a baby, toddler or child to know what tired is (though it sure does help!), you simply have to live in this world of ours, where the pressure is on to do, perform, succeed. When do we stop and listen to what we really need? When do we give that tentative but supremely intelligent voice a go? Well, for me, I'm doing it now.

I'll be completely honest; I had an emotional week last week. The burden of sleepless nights sat heavily on my shoulders and it all became a bit too much. So I cried, and I lamented, and I wondered what I was doing wrong. I wondered if I should take my son back to sleep school or if I was being too soft giving into his cries. Then I cried some more. Then it hit me: I need to look after me! If I'm tired, maybe I should just go back to bed (once Lincoln is napping, of course) or do some yoga or simply sit and read a book. I don't HAVE to do the housework, I don't HAVE to always be doing.

This week I listen to that voice, the one that represents my heart. My mindfulness practice is about stripping back the should's and narrowing in on the needs. It's all about me, me, me. And I know I need it.

Week 14 Update: Simpler is simpler.

Simplifying. I like it.

For the past who knows how many years, I have had an email inbox overwhelmed by junk. The time I've spent sifting through unread messages, deleting, reporting spam and eventually finding my way to the stuff I actually needed or wanted to read, doesn't bear thinking about.

This week, instead of sifting, I unsubscribed. And boy, it felt good! I cannot believe I waited so long - years - to deal with this clutter. It's so simple ... and the impact is huge. Now, when I check my emails, chances are the bulk of new messages are things I actually want to open. I can be far more present with what I'm doing because the distractions have dwindled.

As for that pile of stuff next to my computer. It's smaller. Again, it feels good.

Simplifying has actually been pretty simple. And, while I may have only 'attacked' my emails and a pile of papers on my desk, this idea of simplifying has infiltrated more than that. It's become a kind of mantra - "keep it simple" - and we all know how much I love a good mantra!

Week 14: Simply simplify.

It's hard to be mindful and present when there's excess 'stuff'' to distract you. In my life, the place where there's the most 'stuff' is my email inbox and the little pile of filing/bills/things to attend to that sits on my desk - right next to the computer, where it can distract me no end.

This week, I want to simplify. I want to get rid of the rubbish in my inbox and stop it from coming back. Over the years, I have somehow signed up or been signed up to countless mailing lists. From super-bumper-too-good-to-miss-unbelievable sales emails to newsletters and updates on a whole world of things, it's stuff I simply don't need. I never open it anyway! It just gets 'ticked' and deleted ... but that takes up precious time and seems to sap my mindfulness.

As for that little pile next to my computer. I guess I should simplify that too.

These are the kinds of things that bring on that urge to 'flit' from one task to the next that I talked about all the way back in week 1. I feel that urge coming back ... so it's time to nip it in the bud.

A lot of time can be spent, and wasted, on this excess 'stuff' that has little value. As Henry David Thoreau said: "Our life is frittered away by detail ... simplify, simplify."

Week 13 Update: An illness, a party, a ticking clock.

This week started with a great test of my resolve for the week ... I got sick. Suddenly, my "I have all the time I need mantra" was challenged. In my mind I was saying "I have all the time I need, minus three days!".

My son, Lincoln, turned one today! We threw a party and it was a huge success. Of course, the party preparation consumed my week (or what was left of it post-illness). I cooked, baked, cleaned and decorated. I looked at the clock, wondered if it would all get done, and reminded myself that I had all the time I needed. And I did have all the time I needed. In the end, I really did; it all came together beautifully. In fact, it was better than I'd imagined.

I learnt (or remembered?) two really important things this week:

1. The fear of running out of time is a mind game. I may have 'lost' three days to illness, but realistically all I lost in those three days was additional time to worry - not actual 'doing' time.

2. Getting worked up about running out of time is a bigger time waster and problem-maker than the actual risk of running out of time. Last night, as soon as I started to freak out that things wouldn't get done, that's when I started making mistakes. The wrong ingredients would go into the bowl and I'd have to start again. Things simply run more smoothly when I have my head on straight and I stay steady and calm. My mantra this week helped to bring me back to this place.

All in all, a great challenge this week that was very well timed!

Now I'm off to sleep off the excitement of the day.

Happy Easter all! And happy birthday to my baby, Lincoln xo

Week 13: Tick-tock.

"I'm late, I'm late, for a very important date!" The frenzied panic of the clock-watching White Rabbit from Alice in Wonderland is an image I can relate to. At times, it's as though the 'tick-tock' of the clock fills the space between my ears. This incessant ticking pushes me to a place of agitated alarm; a fear that time will continue to whiz by as my list of things to do grows.

Ah, the drama of it all! Is that what I feed off?

I'm sitting here feeling rushed. I want to knock a little bit of sense into myself. What's there to be rushed about? We've moved into our new home and, sure, there are boxes left to unpack but, really, what's the rush? My son turns one this coming weekend and we're having a party. I don't think I've ever thrown a party before, and I'm hugely aware of all the 'stuff' I have to do to pull it off. Still, this impending party (which will be fun!) is not sucking me into a time vortex ... really, it'll all be fine.

So what is it, then? It's habit, that's it. A habit of mine that seems to want to hang around. This week I'm going to throw another mantra at it (I'm a big fan of mantra!) in the hope that I can re-program my "time is running out" mentality.

"I have all the time I need"

And really, I do. What will get done will get done. Life is not one big race to the finish line - it's a journey. This week's mantra will help me to remember that. I'm taking a deep breath and remembering: "I have all the time I need".

Week 12 Update: An odour-ful pause.

"Stop and smell the roses"

The key word here? Stop.

This week has been about taking the time to notice smells. I did my best to create lots of beautiful scents by baking, cooking, burning essential oils and exploring the garden with my son. In all of these scenarios, to really, truly be aware of smells, I had to stop. Often I would close my eyes as I let my nostrils fill with the smell of piping hot fruit buns or freshly ground spices. It was lovely.

To be fair, it can happen the other way around, too; a smell can literally stop us in our tracks (a dirty nappy is a good example ...). Either way, when we become aware of a smell ('good' or 'bad'), we pause in the moment of noticing. This little pause, before even our inner voice has had a chance to produce commentary, is a moment of beautiful mindfulness.

I know I'll be stopping to smell those roses more often.