Week 19: Reality is reality, no matter what I think.

I've already mentioned I'm a sensitive sort. One of the ways this plays out for me is when I see an ambulance/police car/fire truck/police helicopter/someone crying/people fighting/etc etc. Immediately, my stomach churns, I get a cold chill and my mind kicks into a frenzied panic trying first to work out what may have happened (the sticky-beak syndrome) and then to explain it away (the everything-is-surely-ok syndrome). Ultimately, it makes me feel ill to think that the world isn't always a happy, shiny place. There is sadness, fear, sickness, death ... It's inevitable.

Sorry for the doom and gloom, but I promise the lightness in this post is coming (well, relative lightness, anyway). 

The other day I looked out the window to see a police car parked on our street. My heart dropped. Dis-ease, right on my doorstep. My illusion of a happy world shattered once more. Then I stopped and gave myself a good talking to: "Come on, Erica. You know that what you think of this situation doesn't actually change what is really happening. And you have no idea what is happening. It would be the same whether you saw the car or not. The only difference is that now you're spending precious time thinking about something you have no control over". Right. Good thing my sensible side was there to slap some sense into me.

Let me explain a little more ...

When I was training to become a yoga teacher, I had one of those 'aha moments'. After studying the Yoga Sutra's of Pantanjali for months on end, it was starting to make some sense. One day, while on the train on my way to work, I saw some teenagers out the window who were "up to no good" (I didn't really know this, it just looked suspicious!). Of course, my body and mind immediately reacted and as the train pulled out of the station I couldn't let it go. In my mind I was trying to explain what I'd seen; then I tried to make it all ok - I needed to patch up this bruise I'd seen to make my vision of the world more ideal. Then it struck me - my mental gymnastics over what I'd seen changed nothing. Absolutely nothing. All it did was make me upset. It was like a light had switched on in my head and I could see clearly the futility of my thoughts. 

Since that day, I've been better at noticing this tendency of mine, but it's still there, ready to play havoc when I hear or see something 'bad'. So this week I'm going to give it a little more attention: reminding myself that what I think about something doesn't in itself change reality. Reality is what it is, no matter what I think*

*This isn't to suggest I want to become complacent or uncaring. It's simply a recognition that what I think doesn't change a thing. I could, of course, act when something is a-foot, should it be appropriate.

Week 18 Update: An asana a day keeps my grumpy bum (further) away.

A week of yoga asana EVERY DAY! What a brilliant idea, perhaps my best yet. It was awesome.

Like any good weekly challenge, I learnt stuff. Here it is:

1. My asana practice this week taught me a lot about listening to my needs in the moment. My practice every day was far from identical. Some days I practised in the morning, other times in the middle of the day or before bed. The time of day, my energy levels, my schedule, my emotional state, all impacted what I did and for how long. Sometimes I asana-d for a short time, other times I practised for an hour or more. The one thing that remained constant: I listened to my body and did what was right for me in that moment - not what I thought I should do, not my maximum effort every time - just what I needed.

2. It's liberating to take the pressure off. I think a lot of us don't do the things we know are good for us because we feel we don't have enough time. But I'd argue that we do have the time. Even if it's only five minutes, it's worth it. Yesterday I only managed to do a few cat/cows with my son. It's still yoga. A two-minute walk to the end of the street and back is still a walk; a single sentence is still writing; a paragraph read is still reading (I think you get the idea!).

3. My physical and emotional states are oh so intimately linked. Doing asana makes me feel better physically and emotionally. Chicken or the egg? It doesn't really matter. What matters is that doing asana regularly definitely keeps me as sane as I can manage. An asana a day keeps my grumpy bum (further) away.

4. The dance between challenging myself and nurturing myself is an intuitive one. Challenging myself to try something new, to do that fifth chataranga dandasana or work on a new balance pose can sometimes be exactly what I need. Pushing myself gives me the confidence to try stuff out in the real world, to realise that my comfort zone has fuzzy boundaries. Likewise, a more nurturing approach - lots of child pose, shavasana, pranayama - can well and truly hit the spot when I need it. It's not that hard for me to figure out what I need and when - I just have to listen, have to be present with where I'm at.

Ultimately, doing asana every day has helped me to live more mindfully this week; on the mat and off.

Namaste x

Week 18: Get asana-ing.

I love yoga. It is a huge part of my life. When I'm on my mat I feel things shift; the weight of the world drops away and it's just me. Listening to the melody of my movements, the flow of my breath; I'm there. It's mindfulness in motion. Bliss.

I practice several times a week (well, usually). Yet, despite knowing how it makes me feel, sometimes getting onto the mat is hard. As I catch sight of my beautiful orchid-hued yoga mat waiting patiently for me, I know I will not regret a few moments, or maybe even an hour or more (!) on its back. Still, there are times when I walk on by, prioritising some other task instead.

Not this week though. This week I'm going to do my asana (the physical postures of yoga) practice every single day. Every day. At least once. No excuses.

While I'd love to stay here blogging for longer, I can hear my yoga mat calling. I'm off to get asana-ing.

Week 17 Update: Easy or difficult? I really can't say.

I have sat down several times to write an update on my week 17 challenge (watching my judgements), but every time I've put my fingers to the keyboard, I've drawn a blank. Partly it's because I'm not sure of exactly what to say, and partly it's because I don't want to come across as sounding pious or inauthentic.

This week has been hard, but not in the way I expected. In some ways I've actually found this week to be particularly 'easy'. And I'm still not sure how to explain it. But here goes my best shot ...

I've been pleasantly surprised to notice that I find it relatively easy to catch myself making judgements. It's something I seem to do naturally, though I'm not sure why. That's not to say I don't judge - I do, just like everyone else; I just seem to be able to see it happening (though, let's be honest, I only see myself catching the ones I see, so there's very likely many that I don't see).

Chatting with friends this week, I've tried to explain my hesitancy to judge people (or at least recognise that my judgement may not be accurate or fair). To me, it's all about realising that I never know someone's full story. I know that for myself, I operate in this world the best way I know how, with all my unique baggage trailing along behind me. This baggage - my story - influences everything I do. No one knows what is going on for me in any given moment; no one can fully appreciate the unique combination of past experiences, current emotional state, intention, desires etc that lead me to act and speak the way I do. So it's the same for everyone - I don't know what leads person x to hold a particular belief or to forget to indicate in traffic. It's not my call to declare that that person must be [insert harsh judgement here]. That's not to excuse poor, inappropriate or criminal behaviour, but it does create a context and maybe some form of explanation.

One thing this week has done is put into the spotlight that we do all judge. It's made me hyper-aware of the fact that I'm likely being judged all the time. Some of these judgements may be right, many are surely wrong, and most of them go unspoken (at least to me).

Hmm ... I fear I'm not explaining myself well this week, so that'll do for now. I think I need to ponder this week's challenge a little more!

Week 17: I like blue better than orange.

I'm a judgemental person. I like to think I'm not, but the truth of the matter is that we all are. The human mind is incredibly good at making 'polarisations' - this is good, that is bad; this is better than that; I like this more, I like that less ... Sometimes these judgements are fairly innocuous - such as a preference for my blue pen over an orange one. Often, though, our judgements are unkind, nasty or downright dangerous. It's not hard to think of examples in recent news to illustrate this. Unfortunately, we've all been subject to the outcome of people's judgements; from a friend pointing out our poor fashion choices to bullying in the workplace or school yard - we've been there (on both sides).

When I teach yoga, there's a phrase that pops out of my mouth again, and again: "Notice. But notice without judgement. Don't make it right or wrong, good or bad". How hard is that to do? Very hard! What about simply noticing that we're making a judgement? Maybe that's a little easier ... and maybe, once we've noticed it, it gives us a little bit of space to see it in a different light; to get some perspective.

What's really scary are those judgements we make when we're completely unaware of them and we attach to them so vehemently that we just have to be right. It's like we put our blinkers on and cannot see what we're doing - the harm we're causing to ourselves and those around us.

While I generally pride myself on being a kind person who is slow to judge, at the end of the day I'm constantly making judgements, just like everyone else. Often they're so automatic, I don't notice. So, this week I want to push back my blinkers and look these judgements in the face. No more mindless discriminations.

Week 16 Update: How do you stop a steamroller?

Well, well, well. If I could have looked into the future on Monday, I would have been satisfied to see that I chose a fitting week to practice stopping and thinking before I speak. I've had a bit of a roller-coaster week (yes, me!). I'm yet again going to blame being tired. We've had a heck of a week with baby boy's molars wreaking havoc day and night, so I am beyond weary.

When I'm tired, just like everyone else, I get more emotional, my fuse shrinks, and I'm liable to see things through a fuzzy lens. Cue irritability, irrationality, and a hulk-strong urge to vent my feelings verbally.

As I've watched this ebb and flow of emotion and energy this week, I've noticed a few things:

• Firstly, it can be frustratingly hard to stop a steamroller in it's tracks. You know that feeling ... it bubbles, and bubbles, and bubbles until you feel like you have no choice but to let it out. Maybe you yell, maybe you cry, maybe you say something you wish you hadn't. You might even watch yourself while it's happening and think, "Whoa, what is that person doing? They should really get a handle on it!". Difficult as it is, it is possible! Really! I realised this week that it might take a couple of tries for me to get a handle on my steamroller, but it can be done.
• It's possible to give my feelings/thoughts/potential actions 'space'. This space acts in such a way as to get a little distance from what's going on, to perhaps consider the fall-out of what I'm about to do/say. Sometimes, when I get some space I might realise that what I want to say is 100% valid, so I go ahead and say it. On the other hand, maybe I get a chance to see it in a different way (and more clearly).
• It can be a delicate dance between flying off the handle and suppressing how I feel. I reckon I've been guilty of swinging between the two extremes - I follow the urgency of my emotions and let them lead me before I have a chance to think, or, and perhaps just as detrimentally, I push them down and let them simmer. Unfortunately, that just leads to a stinking pile of resentment, frustration and all those other yucky things. Finding the right balance, I think, is easier when I'm able to find that space between myself and how I feel.

Well, that's enough from me for now. I'll tell you one thing though: this week has been far from a quick fix. I've learnt a lot about being mindful, I've found lots to ponder, but I won't be dropping this practice any time soon.

Week 16: Stop and think.

I woke up on the wrong side of the bed today. It happens to the best of us. As that feeling of irritation welled up inside my chest, I desperately wanted to give it a voice and lash out at someone. Ugh, I just read that last sentence back and I don't like the way it sounds; it makes me sound like a big meanie. But it's the truth, so there it is.

I know this about myself (and, let's be honest, it's hardly unique to me) and so I do try my best to feel what I'm feeling without acting on it in the heat of the moment - recognising that emotions are temporary and fickle. Yet despite my best intentions, there are times when my feelings get the better of me. Words will pop out of my mouth or actions will tumble forth from my body, before I have a chance to consider their consequences.

The fall-out from this is generally worse than the original emotion. Then I've got the guilt to contend with, or that yucky taste in my mouth left behind by my bitter words. And, of course, there's that moment when I have to admit I wasn't even right ...

This week I'm going to think before I speak and think before I act. Maybe I'll pause and take a deep breath; give myself a moment to let the immediate drive of emotion dissipate. Why? Because the bitter taste of words spoken too quickly is simply not worth it.