I am a mother. It's a role I love, yet at the same time I feel utterly overwhelmed by it. Am I good enough? Do I do enough? Am I too lazy? Too selfish? Too controlling? Too lax? Guilt is a common feeling, as I know it is for mothers everywhere through the ages.
When I set out on my 52 Weeks of Now journey, my son was a huge part of my motivation. I don't want to be that mummy who's constantly distracted by 'things' - I want to be mindful, patient, fun, reasonable, kind ... I'm not unrealistic though - I know that sometimes I am and will be distracted; that my patience will wear thin at times; that I may well not be fun all the time; and that sometimes I might be harsh. In short, I know I'm human.
I think a huge part of my discomfort within my role as mummy is that I'm reluctant to dig too deep. I'm almost scared about what I'll find. Why scared? Well, when we come face to face with our 'truths' that can be a little confronting. What if we find something less than our picture of perfect? Or something that feels well beyond the boundaries of who we know ourselves to be?
Despite my passionate desire to be a mindful mummy, I regularly find myself being pulled away from those precious moments with my son. I have to check my phone, or email, or Facebook - now. Really, I don't think that doing these things while in the company of my son is bad - no, not at all. But I think it's time for me to dig more deeply into these urges, especially because they're so persistent. It's time to peel back the layers of my mummy self and figure out what it is that stops me from being the mindful mum I want to be.
This week will be a good ol' exercise in self-study!